Chapter 12: Caution

Chapter 12: Caution

Caution: A formal warning by the referee to a player or substitute whose behavior or play has become unacceptable, signified by the display of a yellow card.

Sleep evades me. It’s not the first time it’s happened, but I can’t help but toss and turn as I keep replaying Edward’s words to me. I just can’t seem to get past it. 

 I’ve let you into parts of my heart that I’ve never allowed another woman to see. 

My bed is not comfortable. Too many memories from the other night. The way he made love to me, the way we connected, was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I can still sense him here with me, like a ghost.

I need you, Bella. I need to know you’re on my side. I can’t do this without you. I came here to be close to you...

I toss and turn, the sheets gripping me until my movements are tight and restricted, just like my heart.

You think you only know one part of me? Bella, I’ve shown you everything I am.

How could I have mistrusted him so easily? What kind of a person am I? Have I lost that much faith in people? In men? In Edward? 

He’s never been anything but sincere and truthful, never apologizing for his lifestyle that mirrored mine for so long. He’s a stronger person than me, giving himself to me without reservation, with a full and honest heart. The least I could do is trust him, trust us. And I failed.

I failed him.

And now here I am, wide awake, staring at the ceiling. I need to fix this.  

Do I call him? God, I want to call him so badly right now, I don’t care what time it is...I have a feeling he’s awake too. My poor Edward. 

But I can’t call him now. I make a plan to call him later in the morning, when I’ve had a few cups of coffee in my system and a chance to think about what I’ll say. I’ll talk to him, make him understand that I was a fool and didn’t mean any of the things I said.

But I did...at the time. I honestly believed he was capable of doing something dishonest to further his career. What was I thinking? I’m a terrible person. I don’t deserve his forgiveness. I’ll tell him that.

But what if he doesn’t want to hear me out? What if he agrees that I don’t deserve forgiveness? What if he’s had enough? What do I do then? I’m lost. I’ve had him in my life for such a short time but now I can’t even imagine my life without him. I love him.

It’s still so weird for me to say that. After finally admitting it to myself, I almost want to shout it off the rooftops...Almost...

Not quite. how about a small dive bar on open-mic night? That’s like what, fifty people, the most?

Hmm. No. Maybe I’ll just tell Edward for now.

I need to tell him that, even if he won’t take me back, he needs to know how I feel.

The hours bleed together and before I know it, light creeps through the blinds and it furthers my resolve to do whatever I have to do for him to forgive me. 

I call his cell at about nine in the morning. I know he’s already training, so I doubt he’ll answer but at least he’ll see a missed call from me. It goes to voicemail just as I predict, and I leave him a simple message.

“Edward, I need to talk to you, please give me a chance. Call me...please.”

Shit, I hope I don’t sound too cold. But I don’t want to sound too needy either.

Of course, he doesn’t call back and several hours pass before I’m at work and try again. This time I don’t leave a message. I decide on a text instead. It’s worked for us when we were happy together...I’m hoping it works now.

Edward, I know you must be busy, but we really need to talk. Please hear me out? -B

By now, I sound like I’m begging, but I don’t care. In the past, I would’ve cut my right arm off before begging any man for anything. Now, I could care less, as long as I get him back and he forgives me.

The rest of the day passes with me working and texting and calling him during my breaks. I must look like a needy, stalking crazy woman, but like I said, I could care less. 

The next day is a repeat of the day before. Again, I don’t sleep. I try to get him to talk to me. I work, and do it all over again. Rose finally sees me and corners me in my office.

“Ok, B, this has got to stop. You’re going to get yourself sick with this. You need to give him some space, and you need to get some sleep and perspective. Sweetie, your eyes are half shut, your dark circles are taking over your face, and frankly you’re useless to me like this. This is not the Bella I know. What happened?”

I sit in my chair and lean forward, laying my face against the cool glass of my desk.

“We had a fight,” I mumble.

“Well I gathered as much. It was about the steroids.” It was a statement rather than a question.

“Yes. I basically accused him of being a cheat, I didn’t trust him. He got mad, said that after everything he went through to get here to be with me, that I should know better. And he’s right, Rose. He’s totally right. I totally dismissed everything he felt for me just by doubting him. And now he won’t even return my calls or my texts...and I’m just afraid he won’t ever know...” I trail off in a whisper.

“Know what?” Rose asks as she sits down in the chair across from me. I have a feeling she knows what I’m thinking and just wants me to verbalize, so I placate her.

“I love him, Rose.” The tears that have been threatening to spill flow right on out, and I’m a total mess. I openly sob as Rose moves to sit closer to me, gently rubbing my back.

“I know, B. I know. But he loves you too, I know it. I can see it in the way he looks at you. Every time you guys are together it’s like all he can see is you. He turned down playing for his home town for you, sweetie; you don’t just get over feelings like that over something so simple. Everything will work itself out, you’ll see. You just have to be honest with yourself with how you feel and talk to him. Lay it all out on the table. He’ll see you’re sincere, trust me.”

“But he won’t even return my calls, Rose!” Now I’m just a blabbering mess. We’re suddenly behaving like chicks in those romantic comedies...all Ya-Ya with the Traveling Pants and the Steel Magnolias. Fuck my life.

Rose has the audacity to giggle at my outburst. I raise my head just enough to give her the stink eye, which makes her laugh even more. I suddenly realize how ridiculous I must look and start to giggle, soon turning into full-blown crack-up. God, I’m insane. 

“Oh, B...Listen to yourself, my dear. Who would’ve thought you’d let your guard down enough to give your heart to someone again? This is great, Bella. I know you don’t believe this right now, but this is a good thing! You just have to give him time. He loves you too much to let you go.”

I grab a tissue, drying my eyes and cleaning the snot off my face. “How do you know?”

She chuckles again. “Emmett told me.”

I sit up and look at her, eyes wide. “Emmett? How does he know?”

“B, he spends a lot of time around him, they were practically inseparable in London. He told me himself. He’s never seen Edward this way with any woman. All he ever talks about is you.”

Suddenly, my mood’s a little lighter, but I still will not feel completely satisfied until I talk to Edward. The wait is killing me.

He needs to know I love him. And I’m not going to do it on the phone or in a text. 

On my way home I try calling Alice. I get her voicemail, which is odd because she always picks up when I call. I leave her a message to call me since I need her help for what I have planned. I’m going to go to Edward’s place and beg. He’ll have no other choice than to listen.

As I shower, I stand under the warm spray and think back to the first time I felt this much desperation. Mike. That asshole initiated what would later make me the relationship-challenged moron I am...or was, until I met Edward.

Mike cheated on me, not once, but twice. I forgave him the first time after he promised me he would never do it again. He told me he’d only had sex with one of my closest friends because he was drunk. As stupid as I was, I believed his lying ass. He graduated and I believed him again when he said he’d wait for me. He would email me to tell me how much he missed me, how college wasn’t anything special without me. I believed him. I thought I’d surprise him. I made him his favorite brownies and knocked on his dorm room door. I heard giggling and squealing. Not Mike. A girl. I thought maybe I had the wrong room, but his neighbors assured me I was at the right place. Knocking, the giggling stopped and I heard a male voice, Mike’s voice, inaudible through the door. I felt the floor drop away from me when he opened the door and stood, clad only in his boxers, as the smile wilted away from his face. We must’ve stood there gaping at each other in shock for far too long when the little slut peeked from under his arm, wrapped only in bed sheets. “Who is it, Mikey?”

I dropped the brownies and ran.

The water, now cold, wakes me from my memories, and I quickly turn off the water and step out to dry myself. I see my reflection in the mirror and give myself a pep talk.

“Ok, Bella Swan. It’s time to put your big girl panties on. He will either welcome you with open arms or he will tell you to take a hike. Either way, you tell him how you feel and let him make the decision. If he rejects you, you will walk away knowing you put yourself out there. You have a chance to be happy...so...um...don’t fuck it up.”

I try calling Alice again, and yet again it goes directly to voicemail. Where the hell could that girl be? Doesn’t she know I need her? I suppose it’s a little scary that I can’t pick out my own outfit without her expertise, since I’m a grown woman and all, but I would’ve liked to have had her opinion on what I should wear to possibly the most important moment of my life. How does one choose an outfit suitable for groveling? Is there a dress code? 

“Ugh, stop being so ridiculous, Bella, and pick something already,” I shout at myself as I grab a nice pair of jeans and a cute v-neck top. I pull on my black converse and give myself a final once-over. 

“It will have to do.” I decide to finish the look off with some light-colored lip gloss, pulling my hair up in a ponytail. I’m hoping the stripped-down look will help win pity points. I need all the help I can get, because I’m planning on proving to Edward how much I do trust him, how much I need him...how much I love him.

I try Alice one more time, this time leaving a message when I get her voicemail.

“I don’t know where the hell you are, girl, but you’re starting to worry me. I’m on my way to Edward’s. I have some begging to do. I kinda fucked everything up with him, and I would’ve liked to have you with me for some girl time before I face the music. I may have lost him, Alice. But I’m going to tell him how I feel, and hope he doesn’t kick me to the curb. Call me later. I hope you’re ok. Bye.”

Geez, I’m such a friggin’ mess. I can’t even finish a sentence without getting all teary-eyed and overly emotional. And I’m not even pms-ing yet. Yikes. 

I take a moment to compose myself before heading out and grabbing a cab. It’s about ten to fifteen minutes to his place, which gives me an opportunity to think about what I’m going to say. Do I say ‘I love you’ right away? Do I set it up and tell him how much I’ve missed him? Do I tell him how much a suck and how sorry I am that I so easily mistrusted him? Do I just stand there and let him tell me off? I’ve never had to do any of this relationship crap, and all the rules of engagement are daunting. I finally decide to just let things flow naturally, allowing the first thing out of my mouth to set the tone. It may or may not be the best idea in the world, since I’ve been known to stick my foot in my mouth in the past...but it’s the best I can come up with.

My stomach is in knots, my leg bouncing nervously up and down while I look blankly out the window. New York is whizzing by, and I can’t be bothered to focus on anything. All I think about is him. What if I lose him completely? I’ll never see him again, save the chances I get to watch him play on TV. Just the thought of not being near him, not feeling that buzz every time we touch, not hearing his velvet voice whisper in my ear, not waking up next to the delicious heat of his body next to mine is enough to kill me. The tears threaten again, and I try my best to focus on the positive.

Is there a positive?

He could forgive me. We could end up making crazy passionate love all over every available space in his apartment...

He could tell me he loves me back. But what if he really doesn’t? What do I do with my declarations then? I consider telling the cab to just turn back, and I nearly do until I realize we’ve arrived at our destination. I pay the driver and head into the lobby, where I give a little wave to the doorman, who tips his hat to me.

“Good evening, Ms. Swan. I’m sure Mr. Masen will be very happy to see you.”

“Let’s hope so, Jeffrey....let’s hope,” I say as I make my way towards the elevators. My nerves are completely shot. I don’t know how I’m breathing without passing out. My heart feels like it’s caught in my throat, and I’m starting to break out into cold sweats. I’m so nervous considering what he might say or do, or even how I’ll react to either outcome. 

The elevator doors open and I step inside. As I take the ride up to the penthouse, my mind goes a million miles an hour. I keep replaying all the things I want to say, hoping I’ll have a chance before he decides to slam the door in my face. The suspense is killing me, and I just want it over with by the time I get to his floor.

I march up to his door, with a new-found determination to see this through, no matter what. What I hear, however, stops me in my tracks. 

Is that...giggling? A woman...giggling?

My confidence melts into a puddle of goo at my feet as I try to wrap my head around what’s happening. My heart is about to jump out of my body as I try to come up with possibilities. The most glaring one is the fact that Edward....my Edward might be in there with another woman. He could also be entertaining a family member. I mean, Jasper’s in town, right? Maybe there’s another cousin hanging around. Maybe it’s his mom?

“Oh, GOD!”

Ok, definitely not his mom.

I’m close to hyperventilating, when I get hit with deja vu of the ugliest kind. Mike...slutty co-ed...brownies...I can’t believe this is happening again. It can’t be. He said he wanted to be with me. Was I right all along? Was it too good to be true? Did I fall into the same trap again? 

I hear more giggles and moans from this chick and my mood quickly escalates from despair to pure anger. I WILL NOT CRUMBLE. He’s going to pay. He’s going to wish he never met me.

With renewed strength and resolve I knock on the door...HARD.

There’s a sudden silence, and then the hushed tenor of a male voice, but I can’t make out what he’s saying. Great, he’s probably hiding her in a closet or something. I’m so going to kick his ass and tell him to fuck himself. I’ll crush him.

I pound on the door...LOUDER.

I hear footsteps, and I close my eyes, prepping myself for the beat down I’m about to administer, I hear the door open and a voice says, “Bella?!” 

But it’s not Edward.

I open my eyes. “JASPER?!” What the fuck is going on?

He stares in shock, but quickly composes himself. He’s in nothing but boxers and a smile. 

“Bella, darlin’...um...whatcha doin’ here? Edward didn’t tell me he was expectin’ company tonight...um...” I catch him fumbling for words and looking back over his shoulder towards the darkened apartment. I feel totally embarrassed for him, and breathe out a sigh of relief...

So...I’m not going to have to fuck Edward’s shit up...thank God.

“Jasper, I’m so so so sorry I’m disturbing you. No, you’re right, Edward wasn’t expecting me. I was hoping to surprise him. I really need to talk to him...do you know...”

“Jasper, who is it?” I hear a voice nearing the door that stops me mid-sentence.

No. Fucking. Way.

“ALICE?!”